I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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