From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
