Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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