you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Vodka?
Forever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
