DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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