im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
