remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
