He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm like, not good at living.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
