Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just found puke in my bra..
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
