Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
