Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
