Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
