I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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