You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize