saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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