So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
