Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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