You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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