Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
