Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
