a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
