Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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