You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I am spending my child support on dildos
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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