Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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