If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
