there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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