True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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