Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
