12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
