I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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