Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
