omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
