The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
