Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
