Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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