Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
