When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
