you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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