I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
