Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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