I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
