Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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