i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
