Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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