Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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