I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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