Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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