I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
