I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
