Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
