I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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