Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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