i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
