Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
