I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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