apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
