in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
