I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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